Looking for My Reflection

Sugar and Me

2011-11-04T11:16:00.000-07:00

Distancing myself from sugar is horrific. Terrible and awful. I partly wish we could make a ban on sugar, sort of like marijuana.

I'm having the most awful withdrawal. Headaches, and fatigue and stomach upsets. And I just want to curl into a ball and sleep for about 30 days.

Still doing all right, despite the horror of living without sugar. And it's probably not helping that I've dropped caffeine again as well. Not that I was downing tons of it anyway, but more than the zero I was doing before sugarland.

All right, so I'll just keep on going and hoping day three is always the worst. Perhaps tomorrow will look a bit brighter. And less headachey.

Truth

2011-11-02T19:31:00.000-07:00

Had a perfect WW day today. Ate well and feel fabulous.

Had some truth to deal with as well. Gained four pounds, which honestly was hard to swallow, but wahoo! I am back on track and ready to work this. Thanks to everyone who has helped me through my bumpy stumble.

Leaves

2011-11-02T07:19:00.000-07:00

Having a good time of it today. I am going to add two exercise sessions in and slowly work my way up again. I have lots of healthy food in my fridge and all I need to do is to accept how much damage has been done and move forward.

But, all hope is not lost. My winter coat was actually wearable this year and it still is. So, at least I'm not back to square one. And I'm feeling good. I can do this.

Not sure what triggers a derailment. I should probably spend some time figuring it out. Because it's bound to happen again. I need some sort of fail-safe. Or maybe that's just what this is. This journey. A trek of valley and hills. Big highs and big lows. The low was low enough and now I've dug my way out of it. Because I am not going back to how I've been feeling. I hate the way I've been feeling. I'm doing this. It's the only option, remember?

Relief

2011-10-26T07:15:00.000-07:00

Cottage cheese and pineapple. Delicious and the mark of me being back on track. I love cottage cheese. And I really like the way it feels to be on track. I have a whole day ahead of me but I can do this. I've got turkey planned for lunch and sirloin burgers for dinner. Yogurt and blueberries are somewhere on that list as well.

I really owe a huge debt of thanks to my friends, especially to Haley for offering to be my check-in girl just when I needed it. And Jen for kicking my butt with her phone call. I forgot that I'm supposed to be an inspiration to some of you. I actually told my lovely friend Jen once that it's too much pressure to be that, but apparently I needed that pressure. You guys are really *my* inspiration so thank you most avidly for that.

Already marked my breakfast down in my food log and I am going to weight myself today and accept the damages. Nervousness in abundance this morning. But strength in good measure as well.

One Step

2011-10-24T16:14:00.000-07:00

I took the first one back to basics today. I opened up my weight watchers tracker and wrote down all the food I ate. And it felt really good, even though I'm well over my points for the day. 15 points to be exact and I haven't even had dinner yet.

I will track that too. My commitment is to being accountable for the rest of this week. And I need to weigh in. That's also a commitment for me. I'm terrified of what the scale will say but I need to do it. Get it over with it. Courage, I have. I'm really glad I have friends who reminded me of that today.

I love you all.

Courage

2011-10-24T07:52:00.000-07:00

This is for Elizabeth, someone I've never met and yet she gave me the courage to post. Thank you very sincerely for that. Your words meant a lot to me.

I haven't posted in forever because I'm not doing well. Not with weight watchers and not with life. So many people around me tell me that it's all in our attitudes and I know they're probably right. But I can't quite find the way back to a good attitude.

I haven't tracked in weeks now, haven't even stepped on a scale. I wouldn't be surprised at all if the scale was up by a several pounds. My clothes are tighter and I honestly just don't feel good. I'm not happy.

Months ago, I was happy.

I want to blame it on exercise and blame it on life. But life can't get in the way of eating right. I shop for groceries whether or not I'm depressed. I can just as easily pick up fruit and cottage cheese (which used to be a favorite) as I can a package of twix. I've probably eaten my weight in twix in the last few weeks.

I hardly know what fruit is these days. Vegetable? What's that?

I need to stop this now before I can fit into my size 24s again. I don't have to do this so why am I? Logistically, life is easier than it ever has been. And yet, I'm sleeping through my free time and popping back chips like it's my last day on Earth. I had it all together. I really did. So, what happened?

I stopped exercising for one. Damn my knee. But it's something more. It's this addiction to sugar that I've been blogging about for over a year now and it struck me down again. But shouldn't I have more power than sugar? More power than that stupid twix?

I'm creeping back to my old self, the one that hid from mirrors and dreaded school pickups. I don't want to leave the house again. The old fears clawed at me and I let them right in.

I can sit here and say I'll do better, but it's not that simple. I need to go back to weigh-ins, even though I'm mortified to step on the scale now. How much could I have possibly gained? Does it matter? It shouldn't. I don't have to give up because I've fallen--prostrate under the wheels of a lorry. I don't have to give up. I don't have to give up. How many times do I need to say that before I believe it?

Honesty

2011-09-19T16:08:00.000-07:00

The problem with having a blog is that you feel compelled to be honest. The bad with the good and all that.

I'm not doning very well, weight watcher-wise and I'm beginning to understand why some people find this so difficult. I've eaten all my weekly points already and I'm well on my way to going on if I keep this up.

I haven't exercise in probably 6 weeks and let's be more honest and admit that I can't keep using my knee as an excuse. It's perfectly ready to hop on my elliptical.

The kids are even back in school. So what exactly is my problem? Oddly enough, it feels good to not eat right. For now. And that's the caveat. I keep up with this and I'll be right back to hating myself.

It's time to reel it in, but I need to have a plan for that. How can I reel it in when I love hershey's kisses so much? I love my 2 sizes smaller shirts even more. I need to get my mind back on track.

I loved doing this the right way. I feel like I'm climbing up on a ladder frull of grease. Slipping and sliding and generally falling on my face.

I'm not going to eat again tonight unless it's a piece of fruit. I'm not even hungry half the time I choose to eat. I just like the taste of that chocolate as it melts down my throat.

I'm still tracking and that's my success. I'm not working the plan, but I'm staying accountable. Step 2 is keep the cupboards closed tonight.

Gotta Love a Bug

2011-09-12T15:55:00.001-07:00

I think this illness of mine is the best thing at the moment. Food is completely unappetizing, which comes right on the heels of a very difficult few weeks. Emotionally-speaking, so food choices were likewise not as smart as they have been.

Honestly, a week ago, I was damn near ready to give up. But since I was feeling a bit better this morning, I took a nice long shower and tried on a pair of pants I haven't yet had the pleasure to fit into. They are almost ready, and hurrah! Could actually zip them up and that will be three sizes lower when I actually don't have any flab hanging over the edges.

Being sick didn't make that happen of course, but after a few days of scrungy PJs and greasy hair, I was looking forward to being clean. And it's much easier to be happy I have found now that I'm 43.2 pounds lighter. Wahoooooo for losing weight.

No Weigh In

2011-09-11T10:39:00.001-07:00

I've been laid up all weekend with a lovely stomach bug and horrible fever, so no trip to the scales this week. Wish me luck for the next.

When at First You Don't Succeed

2011-09-08T17:30:00.000-07:00

Much better day today. I even went out to lunch and ate a burger, but I decided to leave off the top half of my bun to save me a few points. Each point really seems to count these days. I actually still have 6 left for the day which I don't think I plan to use--maybe I'll snarf a yogurt in a bit here.

Still need to work exercise back into my life--shame on that stupid knee of mine! And since summer is officially over, my swimming days are as well. But, I think I can work in some exercise now that school is back in session, baby! You really love September when you have kids. And I am no exception. I am adoring my newfound freedom.

Okay, so I'm not totally free, but I do feel a tad less shackled than I did last week. All summer, to be exact. Camp, camp is going to be my cry next June and hubby has already agreed.

And... I am thinking of joining a gym. They have a pool and since I do so love to swim, that would be fab. Plus, I used to be an elliptical junkie so that would be perfect for me. And plus... PILATES!!

A friend of mine sent me a coupon for a studio here in town and I really think I'm going to give that a whirl. I am a bit afraid to do such a thing in public but I think perhaps they might not throw sticks at me for being incompetent.

Positive thoughts, lots and lot of positive thoughts. And just to put it out there, a big reason for that is my awesome friend, Jen. I've seen a lot of her lately and she makes me happy. Thanks, awesome friend. You rock.

Slow

2011-09-07T18:18:00.001-07:00

Haven't reported much since there is nothing really peppy to report. Things are difficult just now, life-wise which makes eating right difficult for me. My lunch was chips, a root bear and a brownie. Not my finest hour.

I've used up all my weekly points and my exercise points this week and still have two days to go. Last week, I went over probably by ten. But, the kids are both back in school and I am looking forward to having time to breathe again.

Two more days before weigh in and I really need to make them count.

Fail

2011-08-26T07:53:00.001-07:00

The Great Earring Experiment is a fail. I even got the sensitive ear kind but my ears were not fans. Guess it's on to clip-ons! Do they even make those anymore?

Inspiration

2011-08-25T15:27:00.000-07:00

I was inspired by mom, who re-pierced her ears recently. I didn't have to pierce mine again, but I did buy myself a pair of earrings. I haven't owned a pair in at least a decade. Feels pretty fun to have the little studs in my ears again.

I am finding myself being more girly-ish with every ounce lost. Odd, since I pride myself on not being girly. Which is actually a pretty silly thing to pride yourself on, but it's been a defense mechanism for me, I think. Like my ban on makeup. That may or may not be a defense mechanism. I am not sure I actually like makeup but it would be nice to feel pretty, I guess.

My earrings make me feel pretty. I almost want to fight against that because somewhere along the line woman probably starting wearing them to decorate themselves for men. Which seems, on principle, something I should fight against.

The old makeup debate is going to have to wait until I actually lose about 100 more pounds though. Hm, that seems to be my answer for everything. Except that I am feeling very happy with my 43 pounds and my present life. Swimming is fab, walking is fab and being 2 sizes smaller is the best feeling in the world. Until I am 3 sizes smaller, that is.

Measurements

2011-08-21T10:23:00.000-07:00

Finally did some measurements today. I've lost 4 and half inches in my waist and five and half in my hips since the beginning of this. About 3 in my bust as well.

One of my goals for today is to go try on a bra in one lower cup size. I think I might actually fit into a DD now, which would be quite the feeling.

Speaking of goals, I've lost over 40 pounds AND passed my 5 month mark. Big cheers for that accomplishment. I have a little less than 30 pounds to go to reach my previous fattest weight (the one before I had kids and lost some weight). I want to reach that by the New Year for a total of 73 pounds.

And oddly, a few months ago that would have seemed so daunting, almost crushing to realize I have that much to lose AND still probably 100 beyond that--at least. But I can do this. Because I AM doing it. Bit by bit and ounce by ounce, I am suceeding.

I calculated and basically I gained ten pounds a year in the last eight years. And about half a year has gone by and I've lost 43. Simple math: This way is much better.

I'll post a pic later today!

No Regrets!

2011-08-20T08:08:00.000-07:00

Ha, that's easy to say when you're 3 pounds down! But seriously, I am very happy and surprised by that, considering I went over my points last week by at least 10, which is probably 500 calories. Life is life though and I think I'm working this plan.

Oh, and.... I made it past the dreaded five-month mark. That's when I gave up last time. I'm officially a week past that milestone and still going strong.

This week's goal is to try my elliptical. Haven't been on it since my knee injury. It's feeling pretty good though so I think it'll work out. Not ready to go back to walking yet, but the elliptical and my knee have always been great friends.

Trudgery

2011-08-13T11:22:00.000-07:00

Well.... I have had an eventful two weeks, including a .8 pound loss last Saturday at a meeting with my mom and for my first time ever--drum roll please...

I ended this week with a negative WW point balance. Not my best effort, I must say. Freaked me out quite a bit too but life is life and I'm moving on.

I was at my sister's house for a two week holiday and honestly, I can't really say what happened except I still have a bum knee and haven't execised in nearly a month. Ate a ton too and had a bit of stress. That all added up to a terrible WW week or two.

I'm not going to weigh in until Monday since I think I might have to make that my new day when the school year begins. So, I will prep myself for a possible gain, at least not to lose at all. Eeps! Pretty freaked about that honestly but this is life!

Life is life and I've made it five months. That's the same time I gave up last time. Since that can't be an option, I need to just move on and have a better week. Here goes.

Almost 40!

2011-07-29T11:49:00.001-07:00

Weighed in today and I'm down 3 and half pounds! Methinks I'm a fan of this weighing in every two weeks. 3 and a half in one go sounds so much better than 1 and three quarters in two go's. Not sure why...

Can't believe I've almost made it to 40 pounds; 39.2 to be exact. I'm still reaching for that 50 pound goal by September 1st and it looks like I'll be close!!

Fishies

2011-07-25T20:52:00.000-07:00

I wish I was a fish.

Okay, so maybe not, but I did go for a swim today and it was glorious. It was like a magic elixir for the knee. I am definitely doing that tomorrow. And it's great exercise too, don't forget!

Exercise Decree, Schmexercise Decree

2011-07-23T16:03:00.000-07:00

Yeah, so I did 20 minutes of pilates this afternoon. Modified a bit for my sore knee but I did it. It's really a video and it was mostly arm weights and leg stretches but it got the heart pumping. Feel much better too. Mostly because I didn't get to my meeting this morning since I didn't have a driver and I was afraid my leg would freak out or something.

Not too concerned with waiting til next Saturday to find out how much weight I lost. And that's progress. The obsessive 'tude (it goes something like: Exercise or Die!) might not be, but it's baby steps, people.

Especially when you're using a cane.

Me and the Peanut

2011-07-22T15:07:00.000-07:00

That's Mr. Peanut to you. And me and the nut have something in common these days. Nope, it's not a top hat. Or that great figure. Not even the nutty taste (though that would certainly bear writing about).

Oh, how I wish.

It's a cane, folks. It was a gift to me from my friendly neighborhood doctor this morning. And what prompted such a sweet gesture, you ask?

Guess that's what they give you when you are an idiot and think it's time to give running a go.

Ooops.

Guess I got a little puffed with my awesome exercising self. Thought, hey, I've lost 36 pounds, it's probably time to give running a chance.

I'll be waylaid for awhile here and I'm more than a little nervous the no exercise decree will wreak havoc with my weight loss plans. My mom claimed it was my body's way of telling me to take a break. Whether or not I want it--which I don't.

But it's a break I have. And a lovely cane, don't forget that.

Fifteen Years

2011-07-20T14:38:00.000-07:00

I am about to go to a movie. In shorts.

Haven't worn a pair in more than a decade. Much more. I'm pretty excited.

Oh yeah, and here's my newest pic.

HA! Even *I* can see the difference! 36 pounds, I love ya.

Even So

2011-07-14T11:07:00.003-07:00

Went to a meeting finally this morning and lost 4.4 pounds, so I guess the not weighing in wasn't so bad after all.

I also bought myself a new pair of pants in a smaller size today, so that felt fabulous. Gearing up now for another healthy week.

Uphill

2011-07-11T17:19:00.001-07:00

Not weighing in is proving to be my undoing. I can't explain why that might be, but it's much harder this week to do what I need to do. Exercise has been elusive; I just haven't been in the mood. And though I haven't gone over my points, I am not eating particularly healthy. I'm eating whatever is around, though (happily enough) I'm controlling my portions and counting points.

I'm not going to ditch the week, not even an option but I do need to find a way to pull away from this blah attitude I'm finding myself in. Exercise is a must for tomorrow, so I'll need to plan an early wake up unfortunately. I am very much looking forward to the fall and having time to myself again.

YAY school!

Snafu

2011-07-09T15:44:00.000-07:00

So... didn't get to weigh in this morning. Mother-in law had to go into the hospital for kidney stones so I had no sitter. She's fine though and needless to say, I was rather stressed with my no scale day. I'm not going to let it affect my week though.

Took the kids swimming again today and earned myself some activity points while hubby was with his mom. Ate well and had a good day. Oh, and it was *much* more fun to swim in a suit that actually fit well. What a feeling.

Makes me wonder how glorious it would be if I tossed my too-big pants in the rubbish bin and splurged on some smaller ones. Something to think about.

Garbage Day!

2011-07-08T18:31:00.000-07:00

I threw out my first 'clothes that don't fit' item today.

My swimsuit.

The skirt on that baby was practically down to my ankles it was so big on me. So I went out and bought a new one--two sizes smaller, go me! It was pretty great to ball the old one into a damp wad and toss it into the garbage.

I read somewhere that during this process, you need to throw out or otherwise get rid of (give away) because you do *not* want the option of ever wearing it again. I am never wearing that size again so I was more than thrilled to hand it down to the garbage man.

Thrilled does not even begin to describe my mood just now.

Sometimes You Find It

2011-07-07T22:05:00.000-07:00

The oddest thing happened just now.

I happened to glimpse myself in the bathroom mirror as I walked past. And for the first time in years, I was not horrified. I might even have been pleasantly suprised at the slightly less of me in that mirror. I'm seriously not as fat as I was 15 weeks ago.

Just the boost I needed this week.

Curiouser and Curiouser

2011-07-05T18:15:00.000-07:00

I was feeling much better most of the day, feeling like I had everything well in hand. Now, a few hours from bedtime, I'm really wishing the clock would move ahead and take me to dreamland.

I actually still have 7 points left for the day, but that's because I was pretty stingy with them. I still have an anniversary dinner on Thursday and didn't want to run the risk of using any more of those weekly points before then. And since I find that eating generally makes me want to eat more, I figured better stop while I was way behind my daily allottment.

No, not the best plan. I know I'm supposed to eat my points. But I'm afraid of them today. I really, really want this week to die.

Out of Order

2011-07-04T16:07:00.000-07:00

Control is barely in my grasp this week. I only have 8 of my weekly points left and there are still four days left, not counting tonight.

I just sat down and plotted out my eating day for tomorrow, something I haven't done in awhile now, but I do feel better already. I think it's necessary to grab the wheel again before I go careening into the ravine. It will take entirely too long and cost me entirely too many pounds once I'm down there. Although... think of the activity points I'll earn on the way up.

Not sure what happened to me this week, except we had relatives over for dinner last night and for some reason that felt like a reason to indulge. And ironically, our meeting on Saturday was all about vacations, including families in town.

Not to mention I just downed two s'mores, but at least they were good. And I haven't quite gone all the way off track so now I'm plotted for tomorrow and I'm feeling a bit more secure.

Funny thing is you tell yourself that you'll never be that girl again. That you'll never overindulge and that you've beaten this thing. Bad job it isn't true.

10%

2011-07-02T21:44:00.000-07:00

And I made it... just barely.

Lost .8 this morning. I think if I can let myself be okay with taking longer than two years to finish losing weight, I think I will be much happier.

At the beginning of this, I really wanted to be done in two years, mostly to coincide with hubby finishing his residency training. Does it really matter if I have some pounds left to lose at that point? I suppose it doesn't, but it sounded lovely just the same. A whole new start, in a whole new place.

In the past four weeks, my average lost is 6.2, much slower than I planned on. I wish I knew the magic formula. Not sure there is one. And I was pretty happy about reaching my 10% this morning. No small feat. Long ways to go still.

So there's nothing to do but to keep on with it. I feel so much better than I did in March. That in itself is a reason to celebrate.

The Bending of An Addict

2011-06-28T07:22:00.000-07:00

I was lying in bed this morning, wondering if I should eat before my workout. Which led me to thoughts of what I should eat. The answer, of cousre was easy. I've been eating the same thing for breakfast for weeks. Cheerios, milk and some sort of fruit mixed in. Keeps me full for hours and gives me a fruit and a dairy. Win-win, all around.

I wondered, though, shouldn't I be sick of the same foods every day? I eat turkey in a toasted pita almost every day as well. Dinner doesn't vary that hugely either. Mix up the veggies and the grain and perhaps *how* I prepare the meat but I pretty much stick with the same ones in a rotation.

Thing is, I'm not sick of it. Not even of my snacks, my yogurt with blueberries or my banana in a pita with some peanut butter. Veggies with hummus, anyone?

As I pondered my day in, day out, same out, I realized I want my cheerios. And I think I realized why. At least, I'm curious if my addiction might be the reason. A few weeks ago, I was craving sweets like nothing else and indulging too much--within the plan but realy wasn't doing myself any favors. And the self-loathing was beginning to creep up on me again.

I think I've found a way to feel safe again. I keep all those foods stocked in my house; the other day when I ran out of cheerios, I nearly had a heart attack. This is my way of staying in control and I think I find that vaguely disturbing. I don't have to worry about what's on the menu, don't ever have to make a decision about what to put into my body. I just eat, sleep and repeat. You know, with a few laps in the pool thrown in there.

We're told over and over in our weekly meetings about variety and the importance of such. But I like my safety. I like the security of my turkey sandwich and veggies with hummus. It's just easier that way. Is this a downfall hiding in wait? A killer waiting me out, to pounce one day and bring me down? To knock me the way of the darkness I never want to know again?

I can't tell yet.

Only in Horseshoes

2011-06-25T06:44:00.000-07:00

Didn't quite make my 10% loss today. But I reached 30 pounds--offically, I've lost 30.6. Little bummed about not making that goal today but there's always next week.

I had a moment after the scale, the desperation setting in as I tried to rewind the week to figure out what I can do differently this week. Don't eat my weeklies! Exercise more! Don't eat that oreo!

Luckily, I found my sanity a moment later.

Beacause you know what? I'd rather go on losing a pound a week and still enjoy my life. I have enough points now--enough that I don't ever feel deprived and if I feel like a cookie, I have one. Losing slowly is still losing and I'll get there eventually.

No rush. I'm in a good place right now and even if I never lose a pound again, I might actually continue to live my life with the dash of happiness I've found. That's a pretty strange thought all by right. there. Good one, though.

Possibilities

2011-06-22T16:18:00.000-07:00

I might have found my groove.

The first two months were nothing but obsession and preoccupation. Every thought was geared toward food--how I was going to prepare it, when I was going to eat it and how I was going to burn it off.

I am still very much following the WW plan. But it's different somehow. Different even then the eight years ago when I first tried it. And I lost 60 pounds then. Five months of obsession.

But now I feel like I just eat when I'm hungry and don't spend the hours leading up to a meal planning every minute detail. And I am not exercing myself into oblivion. Which I possibly was weeks ago.

I didn't formally exercise yesterday; went swimming with the kids instead. And I was an active swimmer. I kept wondering why it was that I was the only adult actually in water deeper than my knees. I counted that as my exercise for the day. And it was. Heart rate was up, and I could feel it in my muscles afterward.

Tabitha of two months ago would have been quivering with nerves until she hopped on the elliptical for some real exercise. But the me of now... I was just fine with it. Counted it for some well deserved activity points and moved on with my life.

I ate cake this weekend. And it was quite delicious. The me of last month? Had the tiniest sliver possible and mourned over the wasted points. Last week me? Nah, I enjoyed that cake and I don't regret one bite.

Is this the new me forever? Probably not. But I think I might be learning this thing called life. A lifestyle change--that's what we WWers call it. And it truly might become that for me.

I'm a tad fearful of complacency, but for the sake of positive energy, I think I'll take the other. I feel really good about all I've accomplished.

Ten percent, here we come.

Exposed

2011-06-21T09:37:00.000-07:00

I've been practicing wearing shorts around the house.

I haven't worn shorts in public in eons. At least since I was a teenager, and even then it was probably my very young teens. I only own one pair as it is and that is a fairly recent purchase.

Just for exercising. And definitely only in the seclusion of my own room.

But I slipped my shorts on this morning, intending to exercise right away and just never got around to it. And here, I am... still in my shorts. It's progress, I tell you, progress. I think I might like to wear shorts out into the world before summer's end.

Not sure what's so frightening about a bit of knee skin... meh, it's probaly all the fat packed inside it. There's less than there was three months ago!!

Pics and Pounds

2011-06-19T17:28:00.000-07:00

Lost 1.6 this week, which seems to be a fairly popular number for me. I've lost nearly 30 pounds and I'm also less than two pounds from my 10% mark and yes, you heard that correctly. I weighed more than 300 pounds when I started this journey. Wow, that's hard to admit. And embarrassing, humiliating and horrifiying.

But I no longer weigh 300 pounds and I won't ever again.

It's that time of the month! Picture day! Had one of my kids take this one so let's check for progres...

Feel like there's less of a difference than last time, but at least it's looking a tad better. Oy, so many pounds left to go...

Raving

2011-06-14T17:00:00.001-07:00

Had a great day today, got a lot accomplished and had a point-friendly meals. I also disovered that if I wrap a towel around my waist--it stays! Might have scared my very good friend at the pool today with my enthusiasm on that very subject but hey, I can't seem to keep my excitement in these days.

Everything is better when your 28 pounds lighter!

Refresh

2011-06-12T17:50:00.000-07:00

The last three days have gone very well. And there is really only one reason: I have no junk food in my house.

I got rid of all it. IE: I threw most of it away. And yes, I am a waster of finite resources. But I'd rather throw away large wads of money masquerading as sugar cookies than be 28 pounds fatter.

I am enjoying my vegetables and hummus instead. And I'm planning on some greek-style burgers tomorrow. They are stuffed with feta cheese... my mouth is already watering. Making a greek salad with it as well. All in all, I think I enjoy food much more than I used to. I make sure it tastes delicious, instead of stuffing it into my face as fast as I can.

Right now I am craving a handful of English cukes. Mmmm... cucumbers and hummus.

Honestly, who ever heard of craving vegetables? I do believe I like this development.

No More Pants on the Ground!

2011-06-10T19:52:00.000-07:00

An inch and a quarter.

That's how much I moved my buttons on my big ole pants. I decided that I am not in the headspace to buy extra extra large clothes any longer. My mom and my friend have both relented after hearing my mental tale of woe, so for now I am simply going to be a button mover.

Face to Face

2011-06-10T06:41:00.000-07:00

Lost 2.8 at the scale this morning. I was completely shocked by that number. I ate all my weekly points and a good portion of my activity points as well. And I didn't even eat that well. I did eat a ton of veggies (along with my cookies) and maybe my body just needed extra fuel this week. As I always claim, weight loss is random.

I did have two tiny losses for the last two weeks so maybe we were just playing a little catch up. Either way, I am committed to making healthier choices this week.

Onward.

If Wishes Were Sugar Cookies

2011-06-09T18:23:00.000-07:00

I debated whether or not to share today. Sometimes, letting people into my deepest self is just too hard. Especially when you want to rage and scream and cry and throw things. Things that would hit the mirror in my bathroom and shatter it into a billion shards.

Straight after this, I will commit myself to listing positive aspects of my life. But for now, I am not feelijng it. Been feeling low for awhile now. Even with my pants on the ground, I wish I didn't have to face buying pants in the next size lower. Fat is fat, even if it's not quite as fat as last week.

Weight Watchers is definitely helping me keep my depression in check so that's something. I ate eight sugar cookies all told yesterday. Never went over my points for the week but this can't go on like this.

It's that damn reflection again. I was doing just fine today until I was confronted with my mirror. I hate that thing. And how am I supposed to stop worrying about what I look like to everyone else? I swear to you, I don't feel fat. I don't define myself that way in the lunacy of my own thoughts.

25 pounds, 25 pounds, I need to keep telling myself this is no mean feat. It's going to take years, time I have anyway. The years will pass and if I don't continue on with weight watchers, I'll be even fatter by then.

I am angry that I'm fat. I'm angry that I did this to myself. I'm angry that it took this long to go back to weight watchers. I'm angry that it will take me years to put this to rights. I'm furious that I missed so much of my children's lives being afraid to do anything. I'm *so* angry.

But I refuse to give up. I am not going to let any of this anger sabotage me. I've owned my weeks of indulging too much. I exercised extra today to try to even it out. I am weighing in tomorrow to own that too. I am sick and tired of being afraid. Sick and tired of being ashamed. I am doing this and I don't care what it takes.

Why Do You Do That?

2011-06-08T17:18:00.000-07:00

I had to make cookies for a kid function today and I ate some of them. Now, just as before, they all fit into my points. But instead of eating healthy things like yogurt, fruit or a lean meat, I ate cookies. If I don't see a good loss at the scales this week, I think I might have figured out why. I probably did this last week as well.

Hmm, pieces are starting to fall into place.

My pants fell off again tonight, different pair. So I'm not failing at this, but I could be doing loads better. I need to focus on healthy choices and not simply eat whatever my points will allow. Something tells me that 40 points worth of Snickers would not help me reach my goal.

Still not sure why I do this, unless it's like I think I'm tricking the WW program. As if I can play it for a fool and still lose the weight. I know what I'm doing, I guess. And there is no one here to fool but me.

Except I'm not fooling me either.

Some Days...

2011-06-07T14:13:00.000-07:00

are harder than others. But no day is easy.

I get in these moods sometimes when I feel like eating and I need to stop and think about why that is before I eat three oreos and two cups of popcorn. All told it was only six points (not exactly a binge) but I wasn't hungry and I didn't need to eat it.

I did stop to consider eating yogurt and berries instead but that dismissed it rather quickly. Wish I hadn't eaten all that honestly. I have a lovely chicken salad waiting to go for dinner. And now I'm heavy and half-full from something I didn't even want in the first place.

Why do I do that? I'm nowhere near jumping off the old wagon because after all, I fit the junk into my plan. But maybe this bears some thinking. My frosting fit into my plan last week as well and I lost less than half a pound. It's not the number that worries me, it's the fear that perhaps I am still stuck in a binge-type mode and that means I'll eventually sabotage myself.

I need to do some work in this area. Take the extra time to either walk away or choose a healthier option. I really should have just walked away. But for every mistake, there is knowledge gained. I'll keep working on it.

Made You Look!

2011-06-06T09:20:00.000-07:00

Best moment ever, hands-down.

Or should I say, pants-down?

Yep, my pants fell off today. Crumpled right to the floor without a glance backward. I had just finished some marathon grocery shopping and was carrying the groceries up the steps. Once I reached the top, I was sans pants and one very happy lady.

I unloaded all the groceries in my underwear, thank you very much. After a giddy, happy day no-pants dance.

I might have only lost 1 pound in two weeks but I don't care any longer. I'm pantsless and that's WAY better.

Pink

2011-06-04T18:57:00.000-07:00

I love P!nk, the singer that is. She has some really uplifting music, in the sense that you feel really good about yourself when you listen to it. These two in particular, are gorgeous:

Perfect

Raise Your Glass

Lost .4 pounds today, which got me to my 25 mini-goal so I am good with that. I ate a LOT of points today, between hubby's family being in town and birthday cake (of which I allowed myself a piece... it was delish). I used a bunch of my weekly points so I'll need to be careful with the rest of my week. But I really am wanting lately to make this work for *me*, rather than the plan making me work for it. Life is going on all around me and I don't want to miss anything.

A Week

2011-06-03T20:40:00.000-07:00

It's been a crazy week. My kid's birthday party is tomorrow and I managed to make a globe cake, which was much easier than I thought it would be. Time-consuming but easy. I had to sample frosting though because it's the only way I know how to tell if a buttercream is good, sigh. So I added a load of points for that and will hope for the best.

My father in law was admitted to the hospital today for heart problems and so we had to have dinner in the cafeteria. I was so stressed from the day that I *almost* gave in and chugged the giant slice of pizza, excusing myself with an 'oh well, I can't help having to be in a hospital'. But glad to say I was smarter than that.

I made myself a delicious, very low-point salad, added a side of yogurt and melon and was very happy indeed.

Oh, and my weight watchers leader sent me a postcard with some very kind encouragements, seeing as I nearly had a breakdown right in front of her. I have no idea if this is standard procedure, but it was very nice either way.

Got a big day ahead of me tomorrow, with lots of party prep and actual party, dinner with the family in town so hopefully I will manage to stay on track. Not really looking forward to weigh-in but I'll get through it. Without the dramatics, cross your fingers!

And since it was the highlight of my day, not to mention the kid's, I give you... the world.

Again

2011-06-02T10:01:00.000-07:00

Having one of those I'm not going to lose at all this week sorta week. Not sure how that happens. I've done well, though I did lighten up on the exercise in hopes that I can maintain this eventually (plus maybe that's why I am utterly exhausted as of late). I plan to do some pilates tomorrow and call that a wrap.

I have also been slaving away making a birthday cake for my kid's birthday party on Saturday. Three cakes and only one bite between them to make sure it wasn't drek. It was my first cake in a bowl too. The request was for a globe cake (kid's a geography buff) so hopefully it will turn out. Tomorrow is a frosting kind of day and I will have to steel myself not to take a nibble of that as well. Oh, how I love buttercream.

I'll post a picture of my (hopefully) brilliant creation tomorrow night!

Hypocrisy and Me

2011-05-31T14:44:00.000-07:00

My high and mighty self sneered to my sister today, "I don't get those women who care so much about their bodies." She sort of chuckled and teased, "Says the girl who cares enough to lose weight."

Oops. Hypocrite much, Tabitha?

I don't think I ever considered myself one of 'those women'. But who am I really fooling here? I took some time to ponder that today. I am the girl who goes around touting no makeup and no high heels, citing women's rights and the fact that men don't wear makeup and get along just fine. We don't ask *them* to have sexy legs at the expense of their ankles.

And I stick by these statements.

But I am also self-aware enough to admit that I would probably wear makeup and heels if I was thin. I care a lot about my hair now, actually enjoy styling it in the morning, though I haven't gone so far as to spend more than five minutes on it. And we all know how I enjoy my rings. I would enjoy them in larger quanties if I was thin.

I feel a bit startled by my hypocrisy, though I have been saying from the beginning that I care very much about being thin. So maybe I'm not that hypocritical after all. I just never realized how vain I am.

Not sure I like this self-assessment. I don't particularly want to be vain. But I don't want to be fat either. Can I be thin without being vain? Can I be thin and not obsess about makeup and high heels. I have plenty of friends who are gorgeous and as far as I know, not vain.

I'll have to take a few pointers from them in future.

By the way, I didn't exercise yesterday, and I consider that a victory. I imagined myself 20 pounds fatter all day. I think it was probably good for my body to rest. I sweated for 40 minutes today and think I can be okay with that. I'll perhaps take another rest day on Thursday.

Scaling Back

2011-05-30T18:29:00.000-07:00

Begin as you mean to go on.

That's where my thoughts have been taking me for the past few days. I am realizing very slowly that this is not a thing I'm doing for now or a journey to a destination. I guess I always knew that but *knowing* it is beginning to make an impact.

I decided that working out at the level I have been, for seven days a week is simply not sustainable. I can do it now, because I'm fired up and trying to lose weight. But as a lifetime plan?

Not so much.

I think five days is a more doable program. And in that vein, I didn't exercise today. I'm going to do six days this week and five next week and make that my new life. But as I sit here, I keep deciding to go take in 30 on my elliptical. And maybe I should, but mostly because I feel like the pounds are already creeping back on.

Head games, so many head games.

It's honestly making me jittery.

Baggy, Saggy, Draggy, and Splurgy

2011-05-29T17:08:00.000-07:00

Happy victory today.

I got into my swimsuit (first time in five weeks) and it was too big! I was a bit afraid it was gonna tumble right off my shoulders. I love that saggy feeling and can't wait to get to September and be able to thow it away because I AM going to. It's going to be way too big. My goal is to have lost 50 pounds total by September first. Have quite a ways to go yet!

My other fab victory was swimming laps! I have never in my life done that. But one of my kids and I hopped in the lane together and spent 20 minutes swimming back and forth. When I started, we made it halfway down the lane and then stopped, rested for a second and then turned round for the other way.

After about five minutes of that, we spent the rest of the time, swimming ALL the way down the lane, resting for about 30 seconds and then going back up. Now THAT, is what we call a victory. By the end of those 20 minutes, I was bright red, and out of breath like nothing else. I can already feel the burn.

And I love it.

I also did 20 minutes of what my weight watchers plan deems 'leisurely'. All in all, I managed a grand total of 10 activity points, not too shabby at all. I am pumped for the rest of this week. I think I'll take a big walk tomorrow.

This was also my splurge day just because I felt like it. I had a tuna sub from subway which cost me more than a third of my daily points AND I induldged in a small brownie and a 1/4 cup ice cream after dinner. I had been promising the kids for days that I would make brownies and I decided to let myself have some. I dipped into some of my weekly points this week because of my so-called splurge day, but I'm good with that.

Being on constat point guard here is really draining on the brain. And all the exercise is beating me down too. But I am pretty happy, all things considered. And this coming weigh-in, I'll need to make certain I don't psyche myself out for a huge loss. .6 is .6. It's more than half a pound less than I weighed last week.

A Whole Week

2011-05-28T13:23:00.000-07:00

I lost .6 this morning. Only. And I was so disappointed, I could barely nod as the leader tried to give me encouragement. Embarassed to say, I collected my things and went out to my car and cried.

I intended to get the tears out and then skip the meeting but after I gave myself a few minutes to get it together and dry my eyes, I went back inside and listened to the leader talk about the importance of exercise. I did a lot of exercise this week, the most yet so that was more than a little obnoxious.

I know my reaction was quite an overreaction, and I don't even know how to explain my mini-breakdown. Maybe I got a vision of myself and continuing to lose half a pound a week. It would take me about seven years to reach my goal. I said as much to hubby after the meeting and he replied, "So?"

So???

I refuse to be fat for seven more years. And yet I have no control over it. I have no idea what I could have done differently. Less than one pound is ludicrous as far as I'm concerned.

I heard the litany of reasons: muscles weighs more than fat, you didn't eat enough for all that exercise, your body is compensating for your big loss last week.

All of which may be true. True or not, it's nothing but depressing.

Climb Every Mountain

2011-05-26T17:14:00.000-07:00

Okay, so it wasn't a mountain. But it was a rather steep hill and I, that's right, me right here, climbed it.

Gazing upon the daunting task.

And huzzah! I conquered it. And huzzah to my kid, who is not only a budding photog but a budding hiker as well. That kid was amazing today.

This was a feat. I huffed and puffed my way up that hill and when I got to the top, man was I ever energized. Didn't even roll back down it as my kid helpfully pointed out. And this was all with aching abs from my first Pilates session in eight years (yesterday). The kids did it with me and thought it was a blast. We're going to do it again tomorrow.

Can't believe Weigh-in is in just two more days. This week has been something of a contest for me. A game, if you will. I have been trying to stay within my daily points (basically calories) without using any of my extra weekly allowance. It's been working out great and I get the added little zing in my step at the end of the day when I managed my goal.

Hope the scale shows it!

I bet I like it

2011-05-23T07:39:00.000-07:00

I think I like being healthy. I made an egg white omelet and put that in whole wheat tortillas this morning. And you know what? The kids loved it. I mean, honestly, whoever thought I might have healthy kids? I am proud of what I'm doing for them.

We've been walking phenoms lately and starting Thursday, I will be doing a pilates video again and one of my kids is excited to do that with me. Pilates with the kids--can life get any better?

I think not.

5K 2.0

2011-05-21T17:42:00.000-07:00

Walked another 5K today! Took the kids this time, found a trail that was more mysterious than strenuous and had an absolute blast. Mother in law and hubby came too but they crapped out at 2.75 while the kids and I soldiered on until we got our 3.1 miles. Wish I had some 5K charms for them like I got at my meeting yesterday. We are game for another round tomorrow. They both want to walk 10 miles eventually. Ha, I think I've started something here.

New Pics!

2011-05-20T17:59:00.000-07:00

Not sure I can see the difference... let's give this a whirl here...

Not too sure about this series. Maybe my legs look a little less chunked. And I look like a munchkin. Someone find me a lollipop!

Early Bird

2011-05-20T07:56:00.000-07:00

Weighed in this morning because of my busy day tomorrow and I lost 3 pounds!

I was quite pleased about that loss and have decided to attribute it to my crazed walking on Sunday. I am only .8 pounds away from a 25 pound loss total. AND, I got a nifty litte charm for walking my 5K, which I will be able to put on my 10% keychain when I get that in a few more weeks. Only 7 more pounds to go for that one!

Great morning today!

Inching

2011-05-17T09:30:00.000-07:00

I'm down 3 inches in waist, bust, arms and hips! That's about an inch a week. Pretty snazzy.

Battle Scars

2011-05-16T11:38:00.000-07:00

I am super sore today but I rather like it, I must admit. Proof that I worked hard! I just did my elliptical too and got myself another high. Ha! I think I'm finding a new addiction.

And to prove it, took the kids, mother-in law and (finally) hubby to one of our local gardens and walked for an hour. 2 miles right there, not too shabby.

The Wind Beneath My Nikes

2011-05-15T10:26:00.000-07:00

Kidless, mother-in lawless.

Just me, my Nikes and the wind.

4 miles.

I walked four miles today. I started out on a little trek to mother in law's house to pick up my Hospice volunteer badge. And then I walked home again, pondered the fact that I'd just walked half a mile and said, well, might as well make it a full half-hour so I can call it my exercise for the day.

So I went on.

And on. Got to a mile and said, well, it would be better to walk for awhile longer to get more activity points. So I went on.

4 and a quarter miles later, I am officially a finisher of Weight Watchers' 5K Walk It Challenge. I did it.

It was such a high, to reach that 3.1 miles. When I saw that I had, I let out a little whoop that hopefully could be heard for at least as far as I'd walked. And once I had made it that far, I was equi-distance to my mother in law's house and mine, so I hoofed to to mother-in law's, where hubby and kids were.

Mother in law pronounced me crazy, which wasn't quite the support I was hoping for, but my kid's response more than made up for it. I've been talking about this for weeks, how I needed to walk 3 miles so when I went in there and announced my four miles, that kid threw arms around my waist and announced, "You did it, Mom! You are going to win Weight Watchers!"

And you know what? I totally am.

20 Pounds!

2011-05-14T14:26:00.000-07:00

Reached my 20 pound goal and then some today! 1.8 pounds down, same as last week. I was a little bummed at first but I'm learning to be okay with the smaller losses. My mom is helping with that and plus, I realized that I don't have to be at goal by the time we move in two years. I can be close to goal and that will be good enough. I'm going to try to keep taking it slow and steady.

I'm really feeling pretty good about myself today after a pretty crummy week. I am fitting into three shirts that were too tight at the beginning of this journey, which I am quite pleased about. And I bought myself a pair of new pyjamas in a size smaller than the last time I

bought some. And they fit!!

Feeling pretty jazzy at the moment, sitting here in my cute pj's! Onward to the week.

Seven Weeks to Forever

2011-05-11T18:00:00.000-07:00

It's not really a complaint, but more of a ramble: I am tired of being fat.

Seven weeks. It's only been seven weeks and somehow I feel like I've been doing this forever. And that's probably because food, fat and low self esteem have been my combustible companion for as long as I can remember. I am working so hard, working out and actually enjoying this journey for the most part. But each time, I realize I'm still fat, it annoys me.

I've lost inches and nearly twenty pounds. And yet, I'm still in the same size pants and I still have a spare tire to rival a monster truck. And every time I look in the mirror, I want to scream, "Why are you still so fat?"

Mostly I just sigh though and then call my mother and complain. Many thanks to my mother, by the way. I would not be able to do this without her. She's been my rock.

I have been discouraged for the majority of this week, but I'm still doing it, chipping away at each little pound. I so, so hope I'll reach my 20 pound goal on Saturday--that will be glorious. Buying myself a pair of pants in a smaller size... that will be even better.

Dancing in the Rain

2011-05-11T15:50:00.000-07:00

Didn't make our 5k (3.1 miles) again today. We got caught in a rainstorm instead the kids, but not to be defeated... well, dancing and rain go quite well together. Immensely satisfying.

We also observed nesting ducks and mating bullfrogs. They make the most amazing sounds. All in all, it was a great walk, even if we only did 1.5 miles. We'll try again tomorrow, but I might just be hoping for another rainstorm.

It's All in the Tilt

2011-05-09T16:13:00.000-07:00

All that extra sleep did wonders for my state of mind today. I'm still feeling discouraged in the I have so much longer to go sort of way, but I made some great food choices today. And I exercised even though I had decided I didn't feel like it. IE: I was much happier afterward.

I was going to eat two of my homemade enchiladas for dinner but instead I loaded my plate with green beans and carrots and only had one enchilada. I made some delicious black bean dip to scoop up with the carrots and had some rice as well.

The kids and I discovered a great new bagel place, and that made me happy since I haven't eaten a decent bagel since my college years. I'm planning on eating the other half of mine tonight for a snack. A cup of yogurt with that and I will be a very happy lady.

We're going to try our 3 mile walk again on Wednesday so keep your fingers crossed that we'll actually make it this time.

Stress and Food

2011-05-08T17:19:00.000-07:00

I haven't given in to the stress eating urge since I started on program. But tonight, I finally did. I wish I hadn't now because I've used a good portion of my weekly points allowance and I feel yucky to boot. I didn't go off plan, per se. So there is a silver lining in there somewhere. A dented, rusty silver lining, most likely.

And since I think I could go for at least a fourth of the cheesecake in the fridge right now, I'm off to take a shower and then it's to bed.

I know when I'm beat and if I stay up, that cheesecake will be no more. And the silly thing is, I don't even like cheesecake.

Very Good Things

2011-05-07T17:25:00.000-07:00

As I'm making some headway in my mental health, I just wanted to think of some of the really great things that my journey has brought me. And happily, one of those things is that I can slide easily into those restaurant booths, which I briefly mentioned the other day. But I went out for a birthday last night, and the booth's got nothing on me any longer! It was quite amazing, exciting, thrilling and about a zillion other adjectives.

I ran with sister-in law's new puppy today. I haven't run in ages (unless you count the time I dashed into the sea fully clothed to rescue my kid). I really enjoyed that, that feeling of just doing without having to wonder how I could manage.

Felt that way last night as well when I tromped up the stairs to get to our car after a movie. Wasn't even out of breath.

I was willing to go to a work party tonight. We ended up not being able to go, but the old terror didn't grip me this time. I was actually not dreading it. Maybe even looking forward to it? What a strange feeling.

A wonderful feeling.

I'm almost 20 pounds down. Only .6 to go!!

Random

2011-05-07T10:05:00.000-07:00

I am down 1.8 and according to Weight Watchers, that is a good thing. For my peace of mind... well, I'm not actually certain I have any. I'm not bummed about my loss, per se. But it did lead me to some realization that perhaps I don't have as much control over my weight loss as I thought I did.

I worked out just as much as I did last week and I ate all my points and delved into about the same amount of my weekly points as I did last week. And yet, I lost 2 pouns less than I did a week ago. Two pounds. That's actually more than I lost this week and that is pretty significant as far as I'm concerned.

It's not a bad loss but why the difference?

Is losing weight a crap shoot--a series of random happenings? My body apparently has a mind of its own and maybe the level of my effort doesn't matter. Does that mean I don't try as hard in my workouts? I had decided that actually after my meeting, but then I got on my elliptical and really pushed it. Because, oddly enough, I enjoy working out, and not just for the benefits. I just like it.

I am going to run a marathon someday. Or at least half a one. Which is just another random thought for the day. 1.8 pounds down and a quandary to boot.

Looking for Saturday

2011-05-05T07:21:00.000-07:00

I'm wishing it was Saturday. Or at least another month had gone by so I could take my measurements and see how I'm doing in that regard. Waiting, waiting, it seems I am always waiting to see how I'm progressing.

Bit frustrating that all these numbers are so important when I *could* be focusing on the exercise phenom that I am this week. Or the fact that sliding into a booth at my fave restaurant yesterday was a tight squeeze no more. *THAT* felt pretty darned excellent.

Two more days I'll be sitting here, dreaming of that scale. I am wishing for a two and half pound loss so I hit the 20 pound mark! Here's to two more sucessful days.

Pavement Pounder

2011-05-04T15:05:00.000-07:00

So it's Wednesday and Wednesdays are for walking. At least they are for me. The kids and I found a new trail today, a paved bike path and they rode their bikes while mother-in law and I walked along.

Two miles later I am pretty proud of me. It was a nice lazy sloping trail with minor hills so I got a good workout. 45 minutes worth. The kids had a blast as well, so that's double good news as far as I'm concerned.

And mother-in law isn't necessarily trying to lose weight but she has since we've started our new walking tradition. Who's the best daughter-in law around? I'd say that's me.

Only 268 more trails to go.

Will the Real Me Please Stand Up?

2011-05-03T17:21:00.000-07:00

I feel like I am two different people, both constantly tugging, fighting and grappling and I'm not sure who will come out the winner. There must be a winner though and I can only keep on the best I can and hope for the thin me to come out the other side.

Yesterday I was full of verve and a zest for life. And today, all I want to do is cry. To be more specific, curl up into a ball and sob, possibly while rocking back and forth.

I ate way too much food at dinner. I managed to eat, dunno, but a huge portion of my points in one fell swoop and even though I'm technically still on plan, I feel awful. I feel horribly full and like I don't these days unless I look in a mirror--I feel fat.

I hate that I ate just for the sake of eating, knowing full well that I wasn't hungry any longer. When I began my dinner, I wasn't really hungry since I had just eaten yogurt, a cereal bar and a banana. I'm not really sure why I chose to make nachos. Granted, I measure everything and came up with 14 points, not a staggering amount as far as nachos go, but the point is, I wasn't even hungry. And I sat there, shoveling them in my mouth, I didn't even enjoy them.

Why did I do this? I can't even begin to speculate except that nachos sounded good at the time. Ugh, I hate, hate, hate this feeling of being full to bursting. Why do I do this?

Why do I have such motivation one day, everything all planned out and then in an instant, it's downward to the slippery slope? Yesterday and this morning, I was the exercising diva, with life as good as it gets. And now, all I feel is defeat.

I'm not going to eat anything else tonight and I did exercise and I know all hope is not lost. Pick myself up and start anew. And whatever I do, don't buy tortilla chips again. Ugh.

Does Nature Have Roads?

2011-05-02T20:23:00.000-07:00

I discovered that my city has myriad walking and biking trails. Hundreds, in fact. And since one of my favorites things to do is walking around outside, I decided that the kids and I (and mother in law--did you ever doubt it?) would make an attempt to navigate as many as we can this spring and summer.

I chose the conservation list first and we hit a particularly hilly one today for our first time out. Man, I think I about died on that second hill. Honestly, I was afraid the heart had had it. But you know what? I did it. And my kids had a blast; I'm sure they would have walked up and over as many secret, twisty hills as I would have allowed.

I earned myself seven activity points today. I can't believe I'm actually doing this sometimes. It's too good not to be a dream. But whenever I pinch myself, I end up watching the bruise form and realizing that this is indeed my reality.

Can't wait for the next hike.

Into the Wild

2011-05-02T11:20:00.000-07:00

Hospice was nothing like I expected it to be. Except that it feels wonderful to be a part of it.

I didn't expect to be as terrified as I was. They needed someone to sit at the Team Station, sort of the hub for the nurses and for the whole of Hospice. There is a Unit Assistant there, of course (though they told me all too soon, I'll be left alone while the UA takes breaks and such) but I nearly passed out when I buzzed someone in one of the front doors. Nothing particularly frightening about pushing a button and saying, "Come on in."

But I was.

My hand shook the entire time. And then, when it came time for me to try answering the phone, eeps! I couldn't even remember what to say (even the script didn't help much). But the people there were so nice. If they noticed my terror, they didn't comment on it.

I have another shift next weekend and I am excited for it. Years I've wanted to do this, almost two decades-worth. I'm so happy I finally made that phone call. There is a beauty there that is peaceful and calming. And to know I'm making a difference to somebody, that feels so amazing.

Two Greats

2011-05-01T09:01:00.000-07:00

Oy. I didn't exercise yesterday--the day was too hectic. So, to compensate I tried out thirty minutes on the elliptical. I think I nearly passed out. Even after my shower, my heart was still hammering.

Feels really good though to have done 30 again when 30 used to be so easy. One of these days I'll be up to 60 again. Go me!

Today is also feeling jazzy because it's my first day as a Hospice volunteer. I've wanted to volunteer there since my dad died sixteen years ago. We used them when he was sick and they were amazing. I'm excited but really nervous.

It's amazing to think I never would have been able to do this without being on this losing weight track. My fear of being fat has stopped me from doing so much in the past. But now, I've lost seventeen and half pounds and even though I have such a long road ahead of me, I feel different now. I am starting to feel like me again.

Maybe that's a bit silly since I've always been me. But I just don't feel fat inside. And it feels glorious not to be so fat outside either. My stylist told me yesterday after I was done that I was a whole new person. And she's right. I don't feel anything like the girl I was five weeks ago.

It's amazing, it's beautiful and wonderful. Anyone, anyone out there who has any desire to lose weight, do it. Do it for the wrong reasons if you have to. Because it just feels too good. No one should ever feel badly about themselves. And if losing weight will help you like yourself, then do it. I promise you can do it.

Hair Today

2011-04-30T17:43:00.000-07:00

Trying to take pics of yourself is a wee bit difficult. Getting my hair done was really an experience. I've never been in one of those chairs for so long--over two hours! Whew!

I am happy with the result though, so I suppose it was worth it.

5%!!!

2011-04-30T12:21:00.000-07:00

3.8 pounds!! And that means I made my 5% goal. I am about to go off to get the hair cut and spruced up a bit. I'm pretty excited! They didn't even say I was losing too quickly. YAY!

I am going to go with my new strategy for another week. Eating all my points and plus some of my weekly points and uber, uber exercise. I cannot wait to try this again!

Such a rush to lose weight.

See you back here with my new 'do!!

Tomorrow

2011-04-29T21:17:00.000-07:00

Just a wee bit nervous about the big weigh-in tomorrow. I need to lose 1.2 so I can meet my 15 lb. mini goal. I've decided I'm too old for the long curly locks I currently sport. I am thirty-two, after all.

Time to trim and probably color some of the fabulous greys. I earned those, too true but I don't love them all the same. So if I make my goal, I'm in for a cut and color. The kids suggest purple but I'm thinking I'm not ready to be that noticeable yet.

If I don't lose, it's onward to buy a new shirt. I am wearing a smaller shirt size. Pants are looser, but not ready for a new size yet. My caboose seems to be looser more quickly than my stomach. I think it might be time to start adding some pilates into the mix again.

Tomorrow, tomorrow, don't think I love you, tomorrow.

Hopefully I will be changing my tune in the morning.

New Ring

2011-04-28T19:09:00.000-07:00

I have a secret.

I haven't worn my wedding ring in years. And why, you might ask? Quite simply becaues it no longer fits. It's way too small, but have I ever told hubby this. Nope, not once.

Let's be honest. He can't help but notice I've gained weight. And yet, I feel the need not to explain why I no longer wear my ring. He just thinks I'm a raging feminist and don't want the symbol of being owned.

Which is halfway true...

But I digress. I bought myself a new ring, just because I'm 14 pounds lighter and I'm pretty awesome. I'm wearing it on my wedding ring finger. Okay, so it's not really the same thing, but it maybe feels sort of good to have it there.

Maybe.

Fail?

2011-04-27T16:17:00.000-07:00

I had an awful night last night. I felt like candy so I measured out 1.5 oz of peanut m&ms and then proceeded to be go on a sugar craze and ate a cookie, half a candy bar and an ice cream sandwich. Which my friend assures me isn't as insane as I think it is. And I did stop before I got out of control.

The other half of that candy bar is sitting in the pantry. So it's a triumph? A fail? I have no idea, but I don't feel great about it either way.

To appease my guilt, I went and hopped on the elliptical for a very intense workout. It worked a little, I suppose. But now I'm biting my nails and worrying that I've gained myself a pound instead of dropping.

Mind games... will they ever end?

Propaganda

2011-04-26T09:36:00.000-07:00

I just saw a commercial with a lady walking down the beach in a cover-up. And then, swoosh, the wind came along and the cover-up blew away. A voice-over asked, "When is it okay to lose the cover-up?"

And the answer?

"When you can."

It was a commercial for Special K, touting how you can lose an inch by eating their cereal. And of course, if you eat it and lose weight, you can go out in public in a bathing suit.

And then people wonder why us fat girls can't even bear to look at our reflections.

Just yesterday, someone suggested a little plot line for a story I was writing. My characters were having a very intense discussion. The person suggested I inject some levity. And do you know what one of her suggestions was? A heavy-set lady in a bathing suit walks by.

Oh haha, how funny is that? Fat people can't wear bathing suits without the world coming to a guffawing end. Not such a great fan of the world today.

Planning Ahead

2011-04-25T15:54:00.000-07:00

Our WW leader asked us to plan a day ahead and track all of our food that we plan to eat the next day. I gave it a try last night but didn't follow it exactly. I also earned four more activity points than I planned on after a brisk 50 minute walk this afternoon.

I've got a few more points to go today to eat all my points, but actually I think I'm going to dip into my extra points this week. Mental blocks? Phewy!

To the Quick

2011-04-24T18:58:00.000-07:00

I am trying this new thing where I actually eat all my points. I usually end up with several at the end of the day which translates to a couple hundred calories that I was supposed to have eaten.

It's all about the mental block, I guess. I eat very few points for breakfast and through the day, leaving me with lots at night.

Just in case.

I still have vestiges of my eating disorders hiding out inside my brain. Wiring all tangled up and that sort of thing. I suppose if I am being honest, I should admit that I have continued to binge. Not literally, but on a smaller scale--not technically a binge.

But not technically good either.

I have been eating a big portion of my points later at night, after I've squirreled them away all day. I've still lost weight and I'm doing well all things considered, but this is the next big habit I need to kick. And in that vein, I've committed myself to eating all my points every day and to eating at least eight for breakfast every morning. I'll probably still have points left over after dinner but at least it won't be 12 or 14 as it has been.

After that, I'll work on limiting my points intake after dinner, and eventually I hope to just eat fruits and veggies after dinner and have all my points gone with the last crumb on my dinner plate. I'm a bit too scared of that now. One tiny step at a time.

Without any points left, I am pretty much chewing my nails to a nub now. Eeps, I think I am freaking out.

Photo Time

2011-04-24T16:09:00.000-07:00

That was me a month ago.

And....

this is me now.

I am pretty shocked that I can tell a difference. Still fat, no doubt about that. But I AM thinner than I was a month ago. Happy, happy day.

Inching

2011-04-24T14:22:00.000-07:00

I just measured myself, a month after my first bout with the tape measure. I'm not sure this can be right but according to that lined white strip, I've lost a total of 7 inches. I am probably off with some of that but my pants and shirts ARE looser so I guess some of it is probably right.

The graph is pretty sweet, that wonderful line moving marvelously downward. Taking a pic of myself today as well. Maybe I'll get brave enough to post it....

Bittersweet

2011-04-24T13:45:00.000-07:00

Lost one and half pounds at the scales yesterday. I'm not thrilled with that result but looking back, I didn't have a great week. I didn't drink water like I usually do and I ate more junky-type food than I have been of late.

The family is gone though so I suppose it's time to get back on track. Lots of fun this week and lots of time now to figure out how to have a more productive week.

Jitters

2011-04-23T04:57:00.000-07:00

Bit nervous about my weigh-in this morning!! I was feeling pretty confident throughout most of the week, but now that it's upon us, I'm thinking I probably didn't lose any weight. But then, I'm a pessimistic sort of girl.

I stayed within my points all week, although I don't think my choices were as healthy as they have been of late. I've definitely eaten more treat-type food than usual. So... I suppose we shall see.

Family

2011-04-18T04:56:00.000-07:00

I'm a bit worried how this week is going to go. My family is coming for a visit. And I'll need to make sure to get in my exercise and keep my good eating habits. The key, I think, will be to exercise straightaway in the morning. My mom is doing WW as well, and I think I'd like to take a few walks with her as she's been trying to fit in exercise.

My family, though, is amazingly supportive so I think it will all just really be about time management. I've been doing so well this time around, I don't want anything to derail it. Good thing they all know what I'm attempting.

Which, is something else I've been thinking about. Being fat was like the neon elephant in the room. As if it was a secret I was keeping all to myself, which of course is impossible. Everyone can see I'm fat. But the subject was mum. And now, with WW and my new outlook, pretty much all those close to me know I'm working to lose weight and I'm no longer so embarassed that I'm the fat girl.

I have yet to reveal my true weight (or my starting weight) to anyone except those who weigh me in. Even to those who are taking the journey with me. And those wonderful souls have revealed all to me. Maybe that's something I need to consider: full disclosure. But since I have yet to even put up a pic of myself on here, I'm not sure how that will be accomplished. How's about this one...

Hey, it's an arm and that's a start.

Pounds and Pounds

2011-04-16T17:19:00.000-07:00

This is what three more pounds down looks like. I was pretty surprised at my loss this morning and a bit more suprised when the leader told me I was losing weight too fast. Nearly 13 pounds in three weeks. Ooops.

I have this mental block, I realize about eating my points. I do generally eat all of them but I never eat any of the 49 points we are allotted as extra for the week, or the points I earn with my exercise. They recommended I try to eat more of my weekly points. And I am not really sure I can do that.

My mom and I calcuated that if I ate all 49 points, that is worth one pound. So if I had eaten them, I would have lost two pounds. And why lose two when you can lose three? So hubby steps in and tells me all the various reasons. He makes good points, it's true. Something about starving yourself and your body eating away the muscle instead and signals your body is sending to your brain, blah, blah.

I want to take the advice, I really do. Because he makes a further good point and one that I know is true: those who lose weight slowly, are more likely to keep it off. And honestly, do I care if it takes me two years to lose weight? Not particularly. I rather enjoy the process (odd as that sounds... something about purpose) and I am making progress most definitely.

I put on a sweater tonight that I haven't worn in over a month, one that was snug and now it's actually roomy. Praise be.

Can I slow it down a notch and do this for good? For good is the only reason at all to do it. It's another tiny step that I am going to try to take.

Take a gander at what nearly thirteen pounds looks like and grin along with me. Those suckers are heavy!

Bloggy

2011-04-14T17:20:00.000-07:00

Been feeling bloggy lately; not sure why. I keep having all these thoughts tumbling about in my head and they need a place to be kept.

I was talking to a friend today and she said she thinks she won't lose weight and I've been thinking that as well this week. I don't feel like I'm losing weight any longer but I have no idea why I feel that way. I feel like my regular, normal self. I don't feel badly about myself lately, not necessarily the Fat Girl, though I was a bit shocked by my reflection in the library door today. Okay, a lot shocked.

Could it be that I've settled into a routine? It's been three weeks which doesn't seem long enough to create an soul shake-up. Whether or not I've shaken the soul, eating this way is beginning to feel normal I think. Exercise is beginning to become a part of my every day. Yes, I still have to think about it, sometimes still have to convince myself to do it, but it feels normal to do it.

What is normal, anyway? Not quite sure but I think maybe I'm inching my way closer to it.

Planning For Setbacks

2011-04-14T07:16:00.000-07:00

Had a really good talk with my sister, told her all about my discouragement of late. And my consuming fear of failure. Chatted with the mom too--she's doing WW with me as well (Go Mom!)

My sister suggested that I plan for the times I will meet a bump in the road. Make a plan for the times I don't lose weight at the scale or I gain. And so on. So Mom and I made a plan.

When the day comes where I don't lose or gain, I'm going to buy myself a new shirt. To remind myself of how far I've come and it will inspire me to keep on going so shirt shopping will be fun instead of the horror it used to be. I'll check my weekly tracker as well, of course and make sure all is well, plan-wise. But the key is not to give up!

Another plan for when the day comes when I'll tell myself (long in the future) that I've been doing this for so long I deserve a break--a free day and I'll get right back on track tomorrow. Tomorrow, of course, never comes. So instead of a free day, I'm going to plan not to use my extra points for the week (everyone gest 49). And then when I feel like I need to break free, my version of a freebie day will be to eat within those 49 points. And that way, it will feel like an indulgence. But I stay on plan.

It's about mental re-training. Which, is quite a bit trickier than one might think.

Recipe Check

2011-04-13T18:13:00.001-07:00

I made lasagna for dinner tonight and tweaked it so that I could get that good ratio of points to volume. I managed a sixth of an 2 quart casserole for only 9 points. I didn't even finish it and it was brilliant. Planned to have a piece of garlic bread too but after my salad and lasagna I was stuffed.

I also created a weight-friendly dessert. Bear with me here...

A whole wheat pita pocket
1/2 TBS. Peanut Butter
Sliced bananas
cinnamon
1/2 TBS. Chocolate chips.

I toasted the pita until it was crunchy and added the rest of the stuff and yum and yum. Absolutely fabulous. 4.5 points and voila. Always great.

Lasagna went like this:
1 pound ground sirloin, sauteed with onions and garlic. And then add 15 oz. tomato sauce and 3 oz. tomato paste. 2 tsp. oregano, 1 tsp. italian seasoning, 1 TBS. sugar, 1 tsp. salt and 1/2 tsp. pepper. Simmered all that for awhile and then use a mixture of 1/2 cup mozza cheese, 1/4 grated swiss, 1/4 grated parmesan and then 4 oz fat free cream cheese.

Layer it with the meat sauce and noodles (I used 6 noodles) and bake for 45 minutes. I also sprinkled a bit of mozza on the top. 9 points for a sixth of that.

Now I just need to adjust my chicken cordon bleu recipe and I'll be good to go.

Plugging

2011-04-13T13:13:00.001-07:00

Still going strong. Managed my exercise. Staying on plan as well. Still having those same inklings that it would be easier to give up but I'm trying to exchange those feelings. I also have some very good friends and a supportive family, so that makes all the difference.

I'm very much looking forward to weighing in on Saturday. Even if I don't lose weight, I am not giving up.

In the Rough

2011-04-12T13:41:00.001-07:00

It's much too early to be discouraged, but discouraged is what I am.

It's been a feeling for a few days now. I haven't thrown in the towel yet but I sort of wish I could exchange my points tracker for a bag of M&Ms. Not literally, I suppose. I suppose I managed to make a success this morning, as I lay in bed, thinking how very badly I did not want to exercise. But then I began imagining what road that decision would lead me down. The dark road with hidden bags of Hershey's Kisses and Twix minis--a place I don't want to be.

Why then, does it seem so much easier to get comfy on the couch and indulge? I don't want to be fat. I am so tired of being fat, it makes me ache. And cry and rage and scream toward the heavens.

So, my course is clear. Exercise and a headache-inducing obssession with food, this time to be certain I don't eat too much.

I think about food constantly, something I am not convinced will ever go away, even if I manage to make it to something resembling thin. I thought about food constantly before and now I still do. Sometimes about what I can't eat.

Like today.

And sometimes about what I'll eat in an hour: tacos and a tall glass of milk. I've been dreaming of my tacos all day, arranging and rearranging the ingredients to find the best points to taste ratio. So matter how I swing it, I'll always be obsessed with food?

I don't think I want to live like that.

But what choice do I have?

My other obssesion is this ten pounds I've nearly lost. Yay, my friend says. Good going, says my mom. Mother-in-law gave me an enormous hug. And me? Well, I should be happy. Of course I should be. But what's ten pounds? After all, this is third time I've lost ten pounds. The third time, I've felt that momentary thrill of loss and achievement.

The third time.

I've failed twice. And that is hard to take. What's so great about ten pounds if I fail again. I've failed twice, more than I've ever succeeded. I lost a whopping sixty pounds eight years ago. But did I succeed? No. Because I never reached my goal.

Some will scoff and say, "So? You lost sixty pounds. That's something to be proud of." And yes, it's hardly sneeze-worthy. But it also means nothing right now. I've gained it all back and then some. It's as if I didn't lose it at all and how can I not be discouraged by that?

I asked hubby that question, who quite thankfully is a pyschiatrist (handy, no?). He told me about a little technique he uses to help people rid themselves of their self-doubting thoughts. Even though I tried to argue with him that my thoughts aren't tecnically negative because they're true (I did fail to reach my goal twice!!), he taught me the technique anyway. And even I have to admit that he has a point.

He told me that I don't have to lose it all at once. That goal is too big--unattainable. All I have to do is lose ten pounds and I know i can do that. I just did it. It took awhile for me to accept that and to internalize it. But I am working on it.

And his technique might prove to be helpful as well. Every time a negative (or unhelpful, because whether or not my past failures are true, thinking about them is definitely not helpful), I am supposed to write it down and then exchange it with a helpful thought. So while I'm sitting here thinking, "Gee, I failed to reach my goal, I won't reach it this time either." I exchange that for the more helpful, "I exercised today. And I'm going to stay within my points."

They're all true and yet only the second is helpful. And happy day, I have a new thing to take my attention. Changing unhelpful thoughts into helpful ones just might be my new obsession. Hey, gotta have at least one.

Trials and Triumphs

2011-04-09T13:52:00.000-07:00

Ice cream. I had to have ice cream. I could taste the cold chocolate melting on my tongue, the crunch of the nuts and even the cherry on top.

Chocolate sauce dripping down into the ice cream; melting with it to pool into chocolate bliss...

This was my mind last night. I got into the car, drooling and hoping to find a delicious sundae as fast as possible. I drove all the way there, turned off the car and stared at the blue and white awnings.

Did I really need ice cream?

9 points. And that's being conservative. So I sat there.

And then I turned the key, listened to the engine roar and drove myself back home.

2 handfuls of baby carrots and two glasses of water later, I was feeling happy again. 0 points and a jolt to my self esteem. I don't have to stuff my face.

The carrots were pretty yummy by the way.

AND... to top that amazement off, I lost 4.2 pounds this morning!

Happy, happy days. First big craving beaten to the curb. Nearly 10 pounds lost and I'm fitting into a size lower shirt to boot. Pants are looser. Absolutely no complaints here.

Victory

2011-04-05T21:59:00.000-07:00

It's a new day.

Waterparks and bathing suits are the stuff of nightmares for me. And in fact, the idea of being in a suit IN a waterpark left me jittery for days leading into it. But I did it. I honestly didn't think I could but I spent three hours in an waterpark without aid of cover up, and I even went down two slides with one of my kids.

I didn't even die of humiliation.

I did however, nearly lose my very unhealthy waterpark hot dog in the process (do these people have no concept of us sad sacks on WW, I ask you?). No more slides for me, thank you very much, but hey I get to say I did it. I am quite proud.

And I even looked at a picture of myself (not in a bathing suit--not ready for that yet!) and didn't cringe too badly. I did avoid all mirrors in the bathrooms, however. Still got some work to do, clearly. But the three hours in front of the world (or enough of the world to fill a very small theater, perhaps) more than made up for that.

And even with my hot dog, I stayed on my points for the day. Feeling good. Feeling happy.

I think I Can

2011-04-01T18:52:00.000-07:00

In the immortal words of a little blue train...

Well, you know the rest.

Today was a much better day. Isn't it funny how you can do the same things on two different days and yet feel so different while doing them. Giving up seemed easy yesterday. Today, it's unfathomable.

It's amazing to me that I feel so much different, just from knowing I'm in control. I can go into a store without being as self-conscious as I was just two weeks ago. If anyone looks at me askew with that 'wow, the fat girl,' look, well I got their number, don't I? Because I am on Weight Watchers and I lost five and half pounds, baby! Mwuhahahaha.

I even had no issues picking up my kids today, so what if those fancy ladies think I'm fat. I'm not as fat as I was two weeks ago. Funny though that those five and a half pounds are a tiny drop in the bucket and yet I already feel so different.

Amazing, the tricks our minds can play on us, isn't it?

Patches of Hard

2011-03-31T16:06:00.001-07:00

Mentally, it wasn't the easiest day for me. Hubby came home unexpectedly in the morning and so I had the perfect opportunity to exercise. But I was still worn out from yesterday so I took a nap instead. Guilt made that excessively difficult but I eventually fell asleep for just a little while. And voila, I felt amazingly better, hopped on my elliptical and did my 20 minutes. Got to love Will and Grace, by the way!!

With some sleep and a bit of 'cising, I was ready for the day, granted it was nearly noon. But hey, I didn't blow anything so I was happy with that. Had a nice turkey sandwich for lunch, chicken and salad and asparagus for dinner. And I'm feeling like I can do this again. I was getting rather worried last night that I was going to throw in the towel.

But of course, I am the one in charge of my destiny here and I refuse to give up. It feels too good to work on being happy.

Even went to the store tonight with the kids and mother-in law (I know, she's my pseudo-husband) and the idea of going shopping for clothes eventually really appealed to me. I gazed at fabrics and coveted paisley patterns. I even let myself imagine what it might be like to wear size small. What would that be like?

Better than a package of oreos, I know that much.

Ho hum

2011-03-30T13:38:00.000-07:00

I'm tired today, that dragging, ready for bed at 1pm sort of tired. I am also sorely tempted to eat an entire chocolate cake. Not that I have a chocolate cake, but doesn't that sound good? Not sure why I'm so exhausted. Isn't exercise and eating right supposed to energize a person? Where is my energy????

Dreaming of You

2011-03-29T09:30:00.001-07:00

Usually any running in my dreams consist of me scrambling to get away from a killer or general bad guy. But last night, I dreamed I decided to go running and instead of passing out after the first two minutes of jogging down the road, I actually took off and pummeled the pavement. And yes, I know it's just a dream and not at all based in reality but I liked that feeling. I liked it a lot.

I can already feel a difference in the way I feel: the energy levels are up. It's not a chore to do my 20 minute elliptical each day. It's not breezy of course, but I can do it without feeling death is imminent like I did last week. And I'm not tired. I don't yearn for my kids to be out of the house so I can take a nap. I've been waking up, exercising and getting on with my day.

And in general, I am feeling really good about myself. Still avoiding the mirror like the plague and I did get a bit discouraged when I was logging my weight in the etools section at weight watchers online and realizing HOW MUCH weight I have left to lose.

5 pounds is only a drop in the bucket. But it IS five pounds. I keep hoisting the bag full of Chunky soups and smiling when I realize that that much weight was on my body just a week ago. I know this is going to be a long journey. That's discouraging too but at least I'm doing something. And the time is going to pass either way. Better to be doing this than moaning about how fat I am.

Score!

2011-03-28T17:25:00.001-07:00

My morning started out horribly, and it even included a trip to the hospital for one of my kids to get ten stitches. Yes, ten!! But even with that stress of the day, I still manged to get in my 20 on the elliptical and weigh-in at a WW meeting.

Drum roll please...

Five and a half pounds are gone!

Went to weigh-in tonight and just yay! I was pretty excited to see that weight go. I'm pretty proud of myself. I exercised every day this week and ate very healthily, even though we actually ate out more than once. It was one of those weeks.

The leader announced my weight loss to the group as a five-pound milestone and I got a gold sticker. I am going to start a poster that will house all the little weight watchers keepsakes, just as one more way to keep tabs on my progress.

I took my picture too and I am going to start my flip book tomorrow. Keep your fingers crossed for a hospital-free day.

Oh, and check out my cans of soup and salmon (and yes, I noted the irony of the Chunky soup). Five and half pounds off me, which means five and half pounds which I am no longer carrying around. That's pretty amazing.

Pound for Pound

2011-03-27T17:14:00.000-07:00

I need to figure out some way to represent pounds lost. Weigh-in is tomorrow I do believe. It's actually supposed to be Tuesday since I started on Tuesday but I am working toward a Saturday weigh-in day so I think I'll do Monday this week and then Saturday next week to sort of space it out.

I read somewhere that weight watchers did a program once where people donated one pound of food for every pound lost and I thought it might be kind of fun to go and buy foods according to how much I lose each week and when I am at my goal, I can donate it all together.

I was looking at my giant jar of peanut butter today. It's a four-pounder so if I lose four pounds for example, I could buy that. Might be fun. Or I could do something selfish and reward myself money for each pound lost and then buy some new clothes or some funky new hair dye (I've always wanted to be a purple-head).

I think my brain is dead because I can't think of anything else. It was a long day. But I got in all my exercise and even took a long walk around our local botanical garden just for the heck of it with the kids.

I feel oddly in the groove here, this time around. I can't explain it, though I did spend our walk pondering why I feel that way. When I woke up this morning, I exercised right away and I just felt good today so maybe that had something to do with my optimistic feelings for today, not sure. I wonder if exercising for a week can change your attitude--make you happier. I'm definitely eating healthier. Even healthier than I was the first go round with Weight Watchers. I really think this new plan is sheer brilliance.

I FEEL healthier. Maybe it's all in my head, but isn't my head what I'm trying to change anyway?

Rock the Zoo

2011-03-26T12:03:00.000-07:00

I took the kids to the zoo today (along with mother-in law). Husband is working today so I didn't get my usual 20 on the elliptical so I decided that it would be Constant Motion! while we waked the zoo. And of course, hilarity ensued. The kids thought I was insane, marching in place when we took a bathroom break--and I'm thinking I got a few funny stares as well. At every animal we visited, mother-in law and kids stood at the rails, gazing at the animals, while I paced the length, back and forth until the kids had their fill.

I kept them updated on my status with frequent peeks at my phone. The visit went something like this: 8 Minutes Constant Motion!!, 14 Minutes!! Constant Motion!!, 28 Minutes!! until finally we finished our rather quick journey (thank you snow in March!) at the gift shop and they all turned to me, waiting expectantly for my final tally. Forty minutes, baby! Constant Motion!!

It was a blast. We saw some amazing animals--red pandas and two brown bears in a riveting scuffle. We also saw about fifteen varieties of poop. As one of the kids said, "It was a good day for poop!" And indeed it was.

Great day for constant motion too.

Control

2011-03-25T11:41:00.000-07:00

Before motoring out of the grocery store parking lot this morning, I took out my handy smart phone and hopped onto my WW points calculator just to see how many points my peppermint patty would cost me (had a hankering for chocolate this morning). 4 points, which isn't terrible but not light on the points either. And I debated whether or not to have it, not really for the points, of which I have enough for the indulgence, but I wondered if a peppermint patty would send me spiraling down to sugar hell.

But then I realized as I was calmly sitting there calculating numbers and evaluating nutritional content that I am in control here. Which sounds like something that can't change the world but for me, this is huge. Usually food is the thing that I don't feel like I can control. I can eat bags of chips without a thought and oreo cookies by the dozens. And for the first time in years, I felt like I was in charge of my own fate and that food no longer is. Even when I tried to go sugarless and flourless, food was always in control. For the things I could not have mostly.

With WW, I can have whatever I want, and I get to decide if it's worth it and how much of it I can have. Empowering. Just like when I walked into the first meeting on Tuesday. I feel powerful, like I can take on the world and finally do this. It feels amazing.

The peppermint patty was delicious too. And I don't even crave another. It's a win.

A Thousand Words

2011-03-24T20:00:00.000-07:00

I took a picture of myself today. On purpose.

Actually, one of my kids took the picture and let's just say that was about the most exciting thing in the world. For the kid, anyway. For me, not so much. One of the things WW asked me to do this week is to take a picture of myself, I suppose so we can see proof of a change as I go on here. Which, I actually think is a marvelous idea but having to look at said picture... brrrrr

I explained it to my mom the other day: I don't feel like a fat person. Not that there is probably a certain, carved-in-stone way a fat gal is supposed to feel but every time I look in a mirror or at a picture of myself, I'm suprised. That's me?

I feel about 20 IQ points stupider when I see myself. Which is ridiculous, I know. Being fat has nothing to do with my intelligence. But still, it's a shocker to know that I am walking around looking like I do. But even so, I'm going to print out that picture and start a photo journal, take a picture every week. A good shock once a week should be good for the system, right? And then when I'm thin, I can make a little flip book and watch myself lose weight right before my eyes. *big grins*